Monday, March 23, 2009

i speak too much

and i spoke too soon.
whyd you have to pretend its nothing when it really is. [im pertaining to myself.] whyd you have to break when you know you cannot do it. congratulations its been 3 weeks. what do you get. sadness. emptiness.

i will brag:i am a kid royalty. some one far beyond some expectations. and yes. i got it all from pretending. and too much socializing. im no fakers. but sometimes i dont feel like myself.im not popular; the term is a cliche. but i am known. of a few. big names. to small ones.issues claim me.

"she's this." "she's that.""she did this." "she did that.""she said this." "she said that"

i envy those who do not have any trail of gossips behind their tracks as they leave the school.
i guess its the con for being too sociable.
nothing is my fault.
i wouldnt want to end my day alone either. or sit on the corner while everyone's talking to someone.

i quite recall the nights where i feel the wind at my fingers over a roadtrip
kissing someone over a game
going to drinking session with people i barely know
and barely remembering their names.

yes. i think it was me who made this status.was it a mistake?

i still have a close group of friends. immediate ones who i can call when i am in need of help.
and a larger one for social needs.

i belong to the inner circle. one of my friend said it was "automatic".
one said if i were to die, the whole school would close for the day.

sweet. enticing. heart smiling.

the happiness is there. it's bliss.
you are at the prime of your life. you alone own the spotlight.
i do. i did.

then i saw someone. not far from who i am.
i cannot quite say if i was looking at him from below or at the sky.
the spotlight was too blinding; all i know is that he owns the lime light.
that looks like a spotlight too.

perhaps i was blind. or was i just not trying to see it. i was hypnotized

he began to move me. and so it takes two to tango. i danced with him, very gracefully. giving all efforts. i tried not to step on his feet. i always make sure he feels special. that he's treated the way he wanted. because i never want to stop dancing with him. i never want him to stop the 'we', the 'us'. i love the feeling. though it tires me.but as i was getting weak, i saw myself, trying too hard, paining myself. and i knew it wasnt right. i looked at him. he was unbelievably resting. all the minutes i was paining my feet in dancing.

i had to stop. i put the sounds off.

though i enjoyed the dance, it felt like a mistake.
i bruise myself, killed my feet
and tire my heart.
i was a pity. the spotlight shun at me. i was back to the lime light.

but the trail of gossips never left me. but it was a joke. i became a joke. everyone laughing and pointing at me. there, i lose myself. i lose the circle.

for going for someone in the lower light. for someone unpretty. for someone not bagay
the circle said it. i never looked at him that way. i was too fascinated. i was too blinded. too washed.


i hate to think that i stepped down on my stage for someone who would just take me for nothing. i felt used. i felt just an ordinary plaything. i felt like a trophy.

but do i deserve this? for deserting my circle? it was me. it was my choice to leave the circle and step down on my stage. it was me who put off my spotlight. everything was my faultand it was because i thought i would be happy.

the person whom i fell inlove with had become someone i do not know.

to now im trying my best to cope up. the circle was back again with the stage and the spotlight
but i feel sad.
i am not lonely; the circle was so tight they wont let me.

but my heart is crying. it is tired. but still wants to dance.

what pains me most? to him, its as if everything now is gone. he doesnt look sad. he doesnt look tired and most of all he's not sorry.

im sorry if i brag in this blog. hindi naman ako pa-popu. there are a lot of things that i do not know. but im a little flattered. little circle. i know i am loved.

why do i feel so much special to my circle?

was i really loved?
then why cant he?

4 comments:

macci said...

wag mo kaya icpn ung mga cnsabi sayo. in the first place di nmn mahahalaga sa buhay mo ung mga taong yan e. and besides dito naman kame hellooouurr... :*

aiwa said...

kayo na nga yung nagsabi nun eh. kayo kaya yung circle. wahaha

louieee said...

love love love love yourself :D from there, makakapili ka na ng guy na worthy para sa heart mo :)
makakaget over ka din, hndi madali, matagal yun perooooo dadating din yung time na hndi ka na masasaktan :)

Rainna said...

naiyak naman ako, naka-relate ako