Monday, March 30, 2009

no need to cry though.

I kept myself solidly- EMO. i, without noticing it.
until jihan came to this blog and mention ANG EMO KO. i was just there, not surprised and muttered.. "oo nga noh."
i have been blankly BITTER. about the breakup.

and now i'll just stop. this is the last time i guess. i promise.

everytime he goes into me, ZAP! i sink. i kept sinking.

for 30 days, it had been that way. too sour. with or without tears.

God just kept giving me reasons not to cry or just feel alone. kahit yung mere moment to think of him (again) come on! wla tlga. ayaw ni God na malungkot ako. and i thank him for that.

im super close with him when im happy kasi. i dont pray when im sad. baliktad when it to compare with other people.

Last 2 Saturdays: last day of school.
everone's out. saturday night eh. everyone who's SOMEONE probably's out.
come on, im invited to 3 night outs.
i just dont have the money to make it sincei had been spending all week.
i gave everything for that friday. forgetting about SATURDAY.

and i dont feel like i am any someone to call. <-ang emo ko pa neto. okay?
so i was thinking of a saturday night alone (even my cousin was out eh. wla kong kasama sa room)
and just stay EMO-ish there.
BUT.
jom puzon again was there to save me. drve me to his house. had daddy drinks (and finish the bottle) watch dvd and not pass out.
i had a good time really.
like being back to your status quo, your friends.
and it feels good when its them that ur trying to please, then you'd just have a BOOBOO but they'll all just laugh because they find it CUTE.
there i knew they are my real friends. and i dont really have to be a pleaser, its when im real that they see me. that they have me. :)


Last Friday: not a happy period.
according to my hs bestfriend, im on my worst when i have.
i was sluggish and all.
my cousin and i are having a date, and i have to take an okay-pill so the whole dysmenorrhea thing wont hurt anymore.
had kidflicks, had arcade, i was all kid-like
it felt good. it was all cute. :D
as we were walking home,the emoish. (again) thingy's coming back
andrew lover txted me, booze again.
im spoiled kid.(they came from andrew's pa, picked me up and went home again)
had jose cuervo, had games, had laughs, had tuna (!) had rest before passing out had a good snore.
AND NOT HAVE A HANG OVER AFTER.


i had soo many reasons to record. do i need to be sad? i dont. i am not now.
do i need to cry? LOL. what's the point of crying?

i passed the whole reminiscing-thingy. congrats to you aiwa.

so jihan. hindi na ko magpopost ng emo blog okay?
wla lang tlga kong masabi na maganda as of today kasi I FIND EVERYTHING BORING. tara beach :)

happy.

so yes, maybe she's so GAGA that she quit her job because she cant drink at night.
pero maybe that's the idea of how she's different and she's keeping it. if you can realize how much she's wasting, you'll just laugh on it. she's crazy as hell and the hard core happy-go-lucky.
she's lucky enough to have that. you brave girl you. dont you ever cry?

Friday, March 27, 2009

very really reading much the sometimes read no-nonesense blog

puro ko 'very', 'much', 'really', 'sometimes' at 'no-nonesense' sa blog ko. why? ewan ko.


LOL

madaling makagetover,

madaling mamatay.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

situps-sit stress. tangina.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

where's the spotlight?

im now shallow. im not empty. im now boring. im now not lying. im now bullshit-ing. myself. often.

"you cant have too many friends.."

well, beats me. this isnt the firstime i look at myself and laugh at that line.
you can. nothing is impossible with talk di ba?

you can have as many.
BUT
there will always be nights, mornings, and even the longest 10 minutes that you can record THAT YOU WILL FEEL ALONE.

and there's nothing wrong with that. i said to myself, i have soooo many friends yet i do not have one right now. someone came up to me and said, they have a life that wont include you.

which is true. i have a life that wouldnt include them also. like having my favorite book over coffee on a sunday afternoon alone.

funny how i made so many friends yet there are minutes when i feel like i dont have even one. a moment is forever. and so forever it will go to hunt me.

just so maybe that i am used to having around many people. too many to make me feel lonely. too many to feel alone. and now they are having their own time for their own life not including me, i feel... blank.

Monday, March 23, 2009

i speak too much

and i spoke too soon.
whyd you have to pretend its nothing when it really is. [im pertaining to myself.] whyd you have to break when you know you cannot do it. congratulations its been 3 weeks. what do you get. sadness. emptiness.

i will brag:i am a kid royalty. some one far beyond some expectations. and yes. i got it all from pretending. and too much socializing. im no fakers. but sometimes i dont feel like myself.im not popular; the term is a cliche. but i am known. of a few. big names. to small ones.issues claim me.

"she's this." "she's that.""she did this." "she did that.""she said this." "she said that"

i envy those who do not have any trail of gossips behind their tracks as they leave the school.
i guess its the con for being too sociable.
nothing is my fault.
i wouldnt want to end my day alone either. or sit on the corner while everyone's talking to someone.

i quite recall the nights where i feel the wind at my fingers over a roadtrip
kissing someone over a game
going to drinking session with people i barely know
and barely remembering their names.

yes. i think it was me who made this status.was it a mistake?

i still have a close group of friends. immediate ones who i can call when i am in need of help.
and a larger one for social needs.

i belong to the inner circle. one of my friend said it was "automatic".
one said if i were to die, the whole school would close for the day.

sweet. enticing. heart smiling.

the happiness is there. it's bliss.
you are at the prime of your life. you alone own the spotlight.
i do. i did.

then i saw someone. not far from who i am.
i cannot quite say if i was looking at him from below or at the sky.
the spotlight was too blinding; all i know is that he owns the lime light.
that looks like a spotlight too.

perhaps i was blind. or was i just not trying to see it. i was hypnotized

he began to move me. and so it takes two to tango. i danced with him, very gracefully. giving all efforts. i tried not to step on his feet. i always make sure he feels special. that he's treated the way he wanted. because i never want to stop dancing with him. i never want him to stop the 'we', the 'us'. i love the feeling. though it tires me.but as i was getting weak, i saw myself, trying too hard, paining myself. and i knew it wasnt right. i looked at him. he was unbelievably resting. all the minutes i was paining my feet in dancing.

i had to stop. i put the sounds off.

though i enjoyed the dance, it felt like a mistake.
i bruise myself, killed my feet
and tire my heart.
i was a pity. the spotlight shun at me. i was back to the lime light.

but the trail of gossips never left me. but it was a joke. i became a joke. everyone laughing and pointing at me. there, i lose myself. i lose the circle.

for going for someone in the lower light. for someone unpretty. for someone not bagay
the circle said it. i never looked at him that way. i was too fascinated. i was too blinded. too washed.


i hate to think that i stepped down on my stage for someone who would just take me for nothing. i felt used. i felt just an ordinary plaything. i felt like a trophy.

but do i deserve this? for deserting my circle? it was me. it was my choice to leave the circle and step down on my stage. it was me who put off my spotlight. everything was my faultand it was because i thought i would be happy.

the person whom i fell inlove with had become someone i do not know.

to now im trying my best to cope up. the circle was back again with the stage and the spotlight
but i feel sad.
i am not lonely; the circle was so tight they wont let me.

but my heart is crying. it is tired. but still wants to dance.

what pains me most? to him, its as if everything now is gone. he doesnt look sad. he doesnt look tired and most of all he's not sorry.

im sorry if i brag in this blog. hindi naman ako pa-popu. there are a lot of things that i do not know. but im a little flattered. little circle. i know i am loved.

why do i feel so much special to my circle?

was i really loved?
then why cant he?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

you are still my sunset

I remember the day you first told me that
I was the man that had your heart
From that day forth I knew that nothing would
Ever come and tear us apart

So then people try to warn me about you
Said that I should never trust you
But so stupid so me I didn't listen then
I let myself go fall in love with you

(What happened to us)
You were supposed to be my future
Brought the ring and had to take it right back
(Were you really in love)
Or was I just a game to prove to yourself
You could get a me (yeah)

You're more beautiful than anything in this world
More precious than the rarest diamond or pearl
And even though we didn't work out together
You're still my sunset-set-set-set
And I know that you and I are two worlds apart
But you'll always be the one to have my heart
I'm gonna love you for now and forever
Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set

Your innocent smile used to drive me wild
Even though you ain't innocent at all
And now I feel so stupid cause I'm the only man
That ever loved you even with all your flaws
Even your best friend questioned why
I still would be with you after knowing your past
But what she didn't understand is knowing your past is why I thought we could last

(What happened to us)
We had something special but
What? Was I not good enough for you
(Are you really in love)
Can't show mine was fine
Cause without trying i still ended up hurting you (and I'm sorry)

You're more beautiful than anything in this world
More precious than the rarest diamond or pearl
And even though we didn't work out together
You're still my sunset-set-set-set
And I know that you and I are two worlds apart
But you'll always be the one to have my heart
I'm gonna love you baby now and forever
Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set

Maybe one day we'll end up talking again
Maybe one day we'll go back to being just friends
Promise to love you baby till my life ends
Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set

No matter what happened between me and you
I'll always be the man that you could run to
I loved you then I love you now and forever
Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set-set

Friday, March 13, 2009

HAHA daming sinabe

aira fleur is:



You Are Bold and Fearless



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.



You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.

You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.

Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.



You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.



You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.



You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.

And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.

You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.



aiwa:




You Are Bold and Fearless



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.

You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.

You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!



nagiiba pala pag nagkakanickname ka... tulad ni louie...




You Are Smart and Curious



You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.



You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.



You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.



You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.



You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.



You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.



You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.

And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.

You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.



tas magiging 'wi' lang sya:



You Are Enchanting and Artful



You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.

You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.

You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



tska ni macci: (as jennifer)




You Are Level-Headed and Trustworthy



You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.



You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.



You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.

You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.

Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.



You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.



now as macci




You Are Powerful and Determined



You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.



You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.

You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.

A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.



You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.



why do people have to know who they are by seeking meanings in names when they can just atleast see things themselves. hay.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

i miss you. i miss having you. i miss myself with you.


tho i cannot much remember that you really cared for me, i just miss the everyday, mediocre to perfect, with you and without you in scenes, holding hands and walking home. i miss you so much. im not wishing youd have the same, we never were anyway.
wala din. puro kabitteran naman na tong blog ko. ewan myself. naging happy naman ako. range? uhm, 60-40. kahit na mas madalas pakong umiyak kesa sa matulog, ganon tlga. kakainis no? kung kelan naman ako natuto magmahal ng REAL, as in, saka naman hindi yun mabigay sakin. tangina tlga. o sya sya. ayoko na magbitter dito. pinahaba ko lang para naman hindi yung multiply nya yung unang bubungad sa blog ko diba? hay.

sabi sa blog ni pabs:
"Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it, you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it."


eh imposible naman na kong magkagusto sa iba. sana pla nung una pa lang, hindi mo na lang sinabing mahal mo ko. kasi hindi ko naman tlga naramdaman na totoo.

wow. saya naman ng neto


tamang tama ako sa reationship status. sakin pa nagpakita. tae. kung kelan hindi na kami. ARGH. sakit naman. eto na iiyak nanaman ako :( tae ka. lalaki ka lang.

pain

is eating me. very much invisible [as of mass people and of daylight], but it is. it takes pleasure on the depression thats me.
tangina much, ang emo ko. dati, airom the 'bestfriend's company's enough to forget. BEFORE wasnt deep, but wasnt easy either. now im needing half of my close-enough friends' effort just to get me through this-and still wasnt enough (!). i am pretty as i walk out home to school. sabi yun ng face ko. pero sabi ng heart ko: :""C *TEARS TEARS*

AND BEAT THIS: lagi ko syang nakikita, nung kami hindi naman. tangina. i had to swallow thyself just to save my sanity not to kneel at him and beg for him to come back. seeing him everyday IS hard. like our then-everyday routine of seeing each other and staying for minutes then saying good-byes. naiiyak na ko to now. i just had my private tear-shedding in case you want to know. just now ha. my birthday was fucked up. my friends WERE planning a surprise whatsoever pero tangina ng sky, hindi ka na lang nakisama. umambon ka pa. birthday mo rin ba!? tapos pinagsalubong mo pa kami. kung hindi ka nakiepal na umulan edi sana nakauwi ako ng maaga at hindi ko sya nakita. tas everyone was at home na nung dumating ang food......$%#@![edited: not to rant in this blog. i had soooooooooooooo much rants already and i think it is enough]

every night or in every uwian, i am to remember, to text, to wait, and so to get kilig or to get upset when i can or cannot see you after class.

and how can i forget the two-year life that i had; running where-else but to you. sabi ko nga sa post ko dati, i had been gyrating on him alone and feeling like there's nothing else i need. did i press on it too much? was i not better? was i not enough?

could someone bring me back my september boyfriend? i'm missing him :(




anyone save me. put my feet back on the ground.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

ugh,

im having my birthday.

and it sucks. my heart is damn broken. and to mind, im not open for another one. maybe not just yet. PLEASE. help me.


and i cannot face defeat. i never lose-well atleast the winning isnt profound. not very much winning-but atleast not losing. my life is fucked up, but well i guess, this isnt the first time.


i dont feel much of a loser now. having them make it impossible to make me feel that. God gave me too many responses to my ever eternal prayers-and sign asking. i ended with a sigh, and a smile. though very very very painful.

okay lang everything. atleast i get to experience it. how his love is, and maybe it just wont fit mine. no matter what and how i want it. it just isnt 'it'.

i still love you. but i'll forget soon- not you. i'll forget the pain, and the tears youve made me. you did made me a better person-a better stronger one... but now i'll just lie to my self and let me eat bitterness. because i love you so much and it hurts that 'we' are done, but i'll be okay soon. i'll go on with my life and be happy that it happened. and its what i really wanted anyway. my own dose of pill. good-bye love. i'll miss you. do not forget the 'us' that was US.

and i have a broken heart.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

BLOGLEAVE.

i dont wanto talk. completely. id be okay. i know.