Friday, January 30, 2009

iam again

flooding my blog. HAHA


...vulnerable. becaaaaaaaaaaaause. i am stupid. thinking i can handle the pain without 'the billy'. i cannot. i guess i can never, or maybe in time, not just now. it pains to see my self how LOW i dig my own grave just to be with him. the shame, the pranks, the everything including the pity with the kadiri feeling of being KAWAWA.
"gusto mo tlga si billy no?" -PANAMI
...inlove with him, ofcourse i do. and as it isnt easy for me to fall inlove, it wasnt easy to fall out too. its as if i breathe to be with him, cheesy; yes. but true. i guess i will always be in that way, as long as we are together.

"weh?! nanaman? so hnggang kelan naman nyan?" - macci and louie on telling them we broke up.

...stupid. i do not know. i stilll want him back. i still want him around even though that means another stupid days, another round of taunts and "loser" that wont have the need of posting right on my forehead because it's already damn OBVIOUS.

"inom ka na lang. makakalimutan mo ang sakit, pero it won't go away" -bitch #2, andrew apuya

Yes you are right andrew, kahit tulog kna at naghihilik sa likod ko.

midnight, iloveyou. change my love, rather, change billy, literally.

and because

GAB IS MABENTA. [ and he requested for a more 'cutie' pic ]
there you go.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

word of the day:



THINGS TO DO 3 weeks ago [and still]

CFD: sketches
ADES PLATE: always.

jimmy eat world -

on intensity:

i proved myself i am happy. though incomplete. "if only he was..." were the words that my friends would tell me, being sorry for what's happening.
i never wanted this anyway, i dont think i lack something or had something that i forgot to give. i was in a complete blank paper as he started to write our love story; yes. i forgot everything for him.
yet i still feel like a total loser. things that i did before to "the exies" are coming back to me, just in a different way of kicking my butt off. i use to take them for granted, and then he did so too. i use to unmind them while they had their worries for me on shoulder. karma as they say, good or bad, will come to me even if i try to hide. goodthing my friends are still there. i cant say im lonely.
PRE-BROKE UP MODE. yes we're still together, just placing ourselves on juxtapose and spaces.
yet i manage to LAUGH, SMILE, KID and WRESTLE. may not be the best night but this one's better.
thankyou precious/es. [LOL]

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

on falling out of love

im not falling out though, not yet. but i have learned to resist him so he could make his way to me. its all tiring when you began to think that you are the only one running for your relationship while the other half is all on thought of 'she understands [naman]' and taking it for granted. i am tired. i dont think things between are still making sense.
we are happy [i am] with ourselves-that excludes what is between us.
this is the time when i dont find it endearing to call/name him boyfriend [when he really isnt] and saying 'i love you' when i know something have had taking change on it.
it still stings when i think i will have a serious and very crappy break-up with him. [only except when i am with these particular people]

i find it more and more unappealing to talk to him or be with him.
exclude dreamy 'meetups'-i know they wont happen after all.
MONTHS have passed yet HE never found the time for our 'only US-TWO' date. considering the cons to it, the budget, and all his shit reasons; im not hoping and or dreaming of it anymore.
i prefer to think of more useful things and learned to accept it- he will never be spontaneously thinking of romantic things-and i have to deal with it [if i ever still want to be with him]

idk if this is right, but i have to do it. save me from shame. im happy naman eh. if this will lead to a break-up then i will admit this as my fault.


"aiwa, pakilala mo naman kami sa chicks."
"aiwa, bigyan mo naman kami ng ULAM. [lol]"
"aiwa, pakilala mo naman kami sa friends mo. yung mgnda ha."
"aiwa bigyan mo naman ako ng chick jan."
so to put a stop to the intriguing[ly] irritating KULIT. i am putting you in auction. i have to ask for gab first for this to be posted on multiply. HAHA. :))


nice bod girls, athletic, smart [no, really?] active and outgoing.

cons: looks and acts retard like OFTEN.

but yes, he's CUTE.


nuff said. haha

VERY ARTISTIC-LY MAGALING. he just know everything [i suppose]

he's super sweet. his cool gadget-thingys rocks me LOWL.

cons: he's rich and kuripot. HAHA [pero minsan lang naman]


he's the perfect man alive. with the stereotype 'maginoo pero mejo bastos' cliches that filipina girls dig, this guy is not just a pretty face. he's your perfect mate.

he's in no nonsense talk. i swear you wont get bored. next, he's SENSIBLE and SWEET and LOYAL, SENSITIVE, FUN.. can i just say perfect?

hot bod+brains+heart= PERFECT GUY.

cons: ofcourse may CONS padin. GIAN IS VAIN. and he wont stop until he satisfies his vanity. that means walking for more than 5 hours non-stop bust because he's looking for 'SHOES', aaaand he's UNLUCKY haha. [secret eh sorry]

NEXT time na yung iba kong bitch/es. HAHA. inaantok na me



PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20)Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of good luck if you forward.

idk if i am generous kind and thoughtful.

i may be creative enough but minus the dreamy works.
alls left for me are the 'PARA SA SCHOOL' warshock-like effects

i am not secretive though. yes sometimes. i confess
DEEP ones over prayers :P i would BLOG if im THAT secretive.

i am sensitive at times. i have these unconscious
thoughts that made me CONSCIOUS over environment. and i prefer assuming i can
read minds.

i dont like details much. but of art ofcourse. over
reality, i dont like much explanations. BECAUSE.BECAUSE.BECAUSE. im easily

i am dreamy and unrealistic REALLY. explains why i had
survived over a multitude SORROWS, break-ups, unluckiness [if that word exist]
and everything. i pretend i am not who i am [note: scary. i might just have this
double personality whatsoever] AND. i pretend i am happy when im not. [i dont
think this has any relations to the selection..zzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ]

AWW. im sympathetic and loving. YES. humble.humble.

I AM A GOOD KISSER wahaha. ........ .....

i am beautiful [?]

this is the SUPER bola repost EVER.
['bola muna' policy before the chain message]

Friday, January 23, 2009


nameless. unprofessional-yet-best psychologist-ish luckycharm :D friday ended good. :D

aiwa: naiinis na ko kay billy dear. wlang effort.
aiwa: d ko lam gagawin ko. it hurts.
---- : ang hirap maging bata
---- : shet di ko maexplain
---- : point is.... ewan
---- : ayoko na cia tlga for you e
---- : dear
aiwa: im reading [listening]
---- : pag may dumating na for real next
---- : tas ni love ka
---- : tas gusto mo din
---- : iwanan mo na c billy
---- : UNLESS magchange cia
---- : pero kung lagi k lng nasasaktan
---- : ngaun ko lng nafeel kaya to
aiwa: im happy. pero dahil sa inyo yun
---- : oo nga noh
---- : ako din e i was as happy din nmn dati nung dahil sainyo e
---- : actually.. SO FAR ... maski wala to... happy pa din ako
---- : naging 'happier' lng ako
aiwa: idk what to do. hnd enough yung pagiging mabait.
aiwa: he's being abusive.
---- : kailangan mo ng effort from him
---- : alam mo ewan ko lng ah... pero kung maaabuse ako... iiwanan ko
---- : AIWA ANU BA.. ang dami daming nagkakagusto sayo e
aiwa: eh hindi ko kaya
---- : shet... oh love.
aiwa: i know. eh i wont be happy kung hnd sya.
---- : eto eto eto
---- : tangina ang hirap magadvice dahil.. sino nman ba ako diba?
---- : perooo
---- : baka kailangan mo maging fierce this time
---- : hindi ung lagi mo ciang pinagbbgyan
aiwa: eh baka iwanan nya ko.
---- : ayoko tlga ng maabuso ka
---- : FUCK HIM! ang epal naiirita ako nung narinig ko ung "abusive"
aiwa: iknow. ikaw lang may alam nito. ayoko ng magmukhang kawawa.
---- : kayo kaya nagturo sakin maging self-sufficient
---- : na hindi ko kaylangang ng ISANG lalake na magmamahal sakin
---- : kasi kaya ko ng wala CIA
---- : naiirita ko.. parang ayoko na pansinin c billy
---- : fine masrap cia kausap etc etc
---- : pero love kita dear e
---- : isang dakilang how dare him
aiwa: [name here] i feel like crying.
---- : ako din... anu b gngwa nia?
---- : tangina.. ang hirap naman magmahal
aiwa: yun na yung point. wla syang ginagwa.
---- : alam mo ba na natatakot pa din akong magmahal
---- : tanung mo nga cia kung love ka talaga nia
aiwa: ayko kasing makipagaway dahil lang sa reason na hnd nya ko napuntahan o wla syng time kasi ang SELFISH..pero FUCK! ansakit.
---- : kung mahal ka nia, makakagawa cia ng time
---- : kinakampihan lng cia ng friends nia dahil mas mukha ciang nakakaawa sainyo.. kasi masaya ka
---- : bat ka nia nasasaktan ng ganyan
---- : siigggghhhhhhh
aiwa: ee. ewan. di ko lam gagawin ko
---- : onga e
---- : love mo xe e
aiwa: SIGH.
---- : how can such a happy girl like you be in such a bitter scenario
aiwa: nako.SANAY NA ME.
---- : putanginang yan. ayokong masanay ka.
aiwa: i came from a freaking broken family. sanay nako.
aiwa: di ko alam why it had to happen again. with him.
---- : wag mo nga igaya ung family life mo sa kanya
---- : its changeable
---- : alam naman natin un e
aiwa: anong gagawin ko sknya? TANGINA MATUTULOG AKO JAN.
---- : kelan?
---- : ngaun?
---- : papaalam na ko
aiwa: ay wait
aiwa: may class ako 7
---- : ako din may class e
---- : edi sabay tayo papasok
aiwa: 7 din?
---- : 8..pero edi 7 ako papasok
aiwa: cge cge.
aiwa: [name here], ur therapheutic
aiwa: or watever its spelled.
---- : hindi.. im eye opening
---- : watever its called
---- : go here na!!
---- : ingat youuuuu



mary claire

is so landi. girlfriend-crazy bitch.

glob glob

mai-yahee. mai-yah-how. mai-ya-hoo. mai-ya-ha-ha.


me the GRASS.

i spent the whole day finding the freaking time to catch you. what's left for me is a minute too fast to see you. when i did you said nothing. you have someone else to talk to. i am like a freaking HALAMAN. you [curse here]!

i envy you macci. i am green with sheer envy.

*halaman: [filipino] slang out of place, ignored, unbothered, snubbed, disregarded, paid no attention to.


aiwa: magblog ka kya about sa inyo. SUPER pahapyaw. para may konting controversy.
macci: HAHA CGE!
macci: I LOVE YOU
macci: i like that!!!

aiwa: CGE. aabangan ko yan
macci : anu pala ung pahapyaw?

aiwa: [macci u are crazy. akala mo alam mo] [thinks] [hindi ko din pala alam]

HAHAHAHA. iloveyou mac. ur better than a 'luck charm' as you call me.
LOLing for your cute-sy [but very unintimate] boyfriend scene makes me KILIG.


Thursday, January 22, 2009


starts from the morning i wake up. till i eat bfast. till i go shower. till i go to class. till it ends. till i ate luch. till just i finish my day.

starts from the right temple, then to my nape, then goes around my whole freaking head

i think i have this LOW-BLOOD thing. it sucks. i ate like a human-which is very unusal to me because i eat like a chicken. and fuck the fats it will put on me.

im ready to blow.


feeling ni billy. but true. and i hate you.


**nvm the un-italicized caption.


i have quite a large number of GAY friends, not particularly inhabiting only on my dear colegio, but some that i have met back in highschool, befriended on my suking carinderia or introduced by my other gay friends. personally, i think they are far better than insecure girlfriends i had before. they are protective like gentlemen, and soft as a princess. believe me, you won't regret having them-ever.

Facts about GAYS
1. Gays are born, not made.
2. Being gay is not a choice - who would choose to be hated and discriminated against?
3. Gays are not automatically pedophiles.
4. Gays don't cause AIDS. AIDS is a virus.
5. You can't get AIDS from talking to or being near a gay person because it's not spread that way.
6. Gays are just as capable of long term relationships as straights, and some of them are even better at it than straights are.
7. Letting gay people have civil marriage will not bring about the end of marriage, FOX already did that with all its marriage reality shows.
8. Gay people often have a wicked sense of humor and wit and if you ever talked to one you'd know that.
9. Gay women were not put on earth for straight men's amusement, that "lesbian" porno situation will never happen to you.
10. Not all gays fit the stereotype. There could be one right next to you right now and you'd never notice. You might be best friends with one or related to one and you'd never notice.

so much of loving gays, i hate the last numbered fact. and i dont wanto talk. bebe gandanghari's outcome is very much un/appealing. consider it enough.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009



even after hate posts for him i'd still end the day dedicating everything for him

i am boyfriend crazy. stupid. loser. and very human.

accept it people. im nonetheless just a hopeless [put adjective here] girl
with her unique way of falling and staying in love. [or desperation you might say.]



which was supposed to be answered first thing on the newyear's day. but yes im a loser. january's ending. whatev. i still wanto. nainggit ako kay pennyatot.

(Best song) na halos buong year kinakanta mo

- Superhuman - Chris Brown

(Best movie) na hindi mo malilimutan yung kasama mo nung pinanuod mo yun

- BALER. HAHAHA. na hindi ko naman tinapos. and Twilight :)

(Best friend/s) na laging anjan, super kilala ka na

- oh shit.

(Best buddy) na lagi mong kasama san ka magpunta


(Best barkada) na lagi mong kachismisan

- AD2 selected people :)

(Best kiss) ahaha

- FIRST kay billy? haha. after 2 years. still gives me shivers. LOL

(Best decision) ever made this year. ahem

- let go if you must. [or if they make you worse.]

(Best new found friend) na naka inuman mo na

- uhm, yung friends ni billy?

(Best idea when drunk) ung mang aya ng iba sa inuman

- NEVER decide. its freaking stupid.

(Best TV show) ikamamatay mo pag di mo napanuod

- singing bee? WAHAHA.

(Best loyal friends) na anjan pa rin just a text away then gora na to bars

- diwata girlfriends!

(Biggest change) na hindi makapaniwala friends mo sa nakita nila

- HAHA :) i dont hate anymore. minus pa the pride.

(Best gimmick) this year na hindi mo malilimutan

- NIKKIAHHS birthday.

(Best hangout) lugar na lagi niong pinupuntahan

- mayrics.

(Best chismis) that rocked your world

- HAHA. freak.

(Best restaurant) that tickled your taste buds

- 1611. haha. and MCDO padin :D

(Biggest issue) na hindi mamatay matay kahit patay na

- my ex bestfriend is a .

(Best prof) ay, prof na kahit walang sabihin gagawa ka

- si becky.

(Best awarded by parents) ung laging late umuuwi at nakakagalitan ng parents

- si macci. year-ender spoiler.

(Best look) ung look na hindi mo matanggal sa isip mo the whole year


(Best time) ung kahit ulit ulitin hindi ka magsasawang ulitin ulit

- september [highlight here] kilig moments

(Biggest new career) bagong step sa outer world

- be the best band epal in the campus. yuck.

(Best place you’ve been) na ayaw mo ng umalis

- balay's? haha. freak nahihiya ako pag naaalala ko.



eating my crappy disposition. boi, im glad ur back. :D


i am speaking bullshit. always.

i had this 'pre break-up' syndrome just hours ago when billy started ignoring my sms.
i was already doubting and [very not obvious-ly] freaking out [inside]
panami noticed my silence.
i realized i cannot much lie to myself. i was unconsciously un-minding the world infront of my face, it was noticeable that i was thinking harshly deep.

i cannot deny; infact i was literally clenching my chest because it pains too hard. yes, i cannot still go on without him. even with airom back being my bestfriend. no one can still replace his.

you are a hard candy. very pleasantly, sweetly taking rough on me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


i hate the fact that i can't resist you.

i cant make pigil. fuckers.

im an asshole. a dumb asshole.



for the previous blog.

i do not know how to hate.
and i hate it.

i hate the fact that im being superficialy prideless that made me look, act and be a push-over
one time too many.

yuniz was right tho.
macci. i need not happiness now. i think i need to have PRIDE.

is that right?

iamboyfriend-crazy bitch.

but i think i wont cry if he'll go just right now.
or on my clean sane self.
i think i am complete, but not HIM as my usual reason
as macci would state: THE BESTFRIEND.
i just had him back and i'm happy. i lost billy too, 3 years ago and i had him back now he's pulling the strings the hell of me. i just had my happy post but now this. im hating the thought that im pretending that WE are okay when we really are not.
okay spare me the paranoia that i have been dreadfully SERIOUS in our relationship.
i will really try to hush my insane clingy self.
i promised i will try not to hate him.
i dont think i dont deserve such
i feel like im a TROPHY.
it very is much familiar to me. i used to play this trophy-thing before but the hell, just tell me if this is not real or not. i can manage not to cry the way i used to.
if i would act the way he does, id be SELFISH. if i act the same, being sweet while he being snobbish and not very giving id be a stupid loser martyr girlfriend.idkwhattodofreaks.

and i still cant call and give him the 'boyfriend' title since we dont have a date to call it official
[stupid. i do and LABEL him my boyfriend anywhere]

im sick.darn it.

i hate you. please, dont make me hate you more.

Monday, January 19, 2009


_im having the major headache called migraine. i had this since yesterday.
but im happy..

I'm living my life. :D

I'm having the best time of my days and living my beautiful life to the fullest. Quite guilty that I may not have this on the perfect state [like not having the my dean’s list dreams or having my complete attendance in my morbid, anti-social professor’s class] but I am loving what I'm having right now; it’s what matters most right? I'm having the most amusing SOCIAL life. My friend’s are the greatest. I'm now free with the one-best friend theme and chainless to hearing her sulk in insecurities like before. [you know what I mean, right?] I’m having more of my family life. I'm not having nonsense arguments with mom and petty fights with my sisters. I have the most wonderful retard boyfriend and though we don’t see each other much, [we live of the same building, though] I am pretty happy with him and his absence just make me fonder to meeting him every single day. I think I have my marketing class on a slow, but sure status; minus the deadly nosebleed-ing talks with my classmates.
But the best part of it, is that I just had my LUCK back. I miss it 2 to 3 years ago, I think.
I lost A LOT back then: it became my frustration. I was immature; I was angry over senseless things always. Now I had THEM back. I am in my highest state of happiness and I want to share it to people. Mediocrity calls that I still had my loss to people, but the hell, I deserve this kind of happiness and I don’t mind if I’d be having them back, or NOT. They don’t deserve having who I am today, I am in my conceited-not-but-proud self, better, and I have the people who love and like me. i do not hate you ,though. i still have my pride. and yes, you are welcome to come back to my life. it's your choice. make your way :D

Anyway, thanks to them, I found my real friends and my real BLISS.
I can be careless, clumsy, cheesy, retard self that I REALLY am. I don’t care about judgemental talks, gossips or whatsoever anymore. Having to care about them is a waste, and I'm holding on my time.
I still cry over things, it’s the part where I know I had been over-ly happy.
My heart just grew bigger.

[im posting pictures, no one knows my blog anyway, xcpt for few people..]

boi. im glad ur back. :D you make me more happy.

macci. imsohappy for having you. you made me happier. you gave me the key in finding real happiness. youre the bestest. i love having bolahans with you. its pure honesty. we need bonding. imahal you to the max. super.

beshy. i miss you. we'd be having our 2nd-year happy-max beshy day soon. iloveyou and i miss you. i wish for spending more days with you.
mom. iloveyou. having a boyfriend is not a sin. live your life happy. have no rants. no one is 'kawawa'. i am not. when i am, i pretend i am not. i am happy that i came from you. you are the perfectest mother i know.

to jojo, ces, jed and the rest. you are the bestest. i wish for more days with you. ILY.

to the cast of room 1C of my dear home Sta. Fina gay dorm. i am so happy i met you people. ilove our silly-ness we're having everytime. you are family. a crazy family.

i love you 'BESTIE' title. i love you more. you understand my every rants and out(but short)comings. i wish for more beer nights with you. you made my new year a blissful start. be healthy.

girlfriends. i miss you. i miss being a kid with you. most especially having hot gimik nights with you. you complete my college years. i cannot imagine myself if i ddnt meet you.

potpot you are very much loved. i am happy because you trust me. i am happy with your vain ego-centric self.

my band you are not vulnerable. we are just so busy. stay bein sync. iloveyous. expi. please stay out of smoke. rj, baby. i am lucky to have you. you are my everyday sunshine. please make me stop hating your kalat. jomel, you are very pogi. i'll be your girlfriend soon. no joke here. macci. you are very bright. ilove your compos. i read it on your blog. im excited.

macky. i miss and will miss very single second youre not with us. i am a fan of your blog and your lovestory. stay happy.

i miss you. i love your gm's though it kept my fone full. atleast you update me. no one can replace you.

no one can replace you either.our bond is more than friends. we're.. brothers? haha! :D

iloveyou. even though we fight a lot.i hope our bond gets better-est.

baby moi. i miss you. you're the best stress ball i ever had. all thats left for me are scars-that you made yourself. iloveyou. im excited the next time we'll meet. sorry. i love you.i will be your wife.imissyou.i wish for more happy days with you.

[im sorry if i dont have pictures of particular people im thankful of. like khan, ken-bobo, RHAI, pwet,babs and a lot more people. please upload. i loveyous.]

I'm so happy I can die.
But not yet. Haha :) make me have this bliss longer-or maybe forever?

"the greatest honor you can offer to God, is by living happy with his teaching." -sabi ni priest kanina

i love you Almighty Father. Thankyou for my beautiful life that i do not deserve. _
continue blessing these people. to bless them is my bliss.