101st post: summer epilogue

this post will be the over run of the thoughts i had since last week and of this moment

to be honest, nothing came that had me pretty well.

not even the coffee chats with macci, tea lattes with bebe, or roadtrips and beer sessions with my friends
maybe it kept me excited, or had me to smile for a while

but there was no fulfilment, rather hapiness to it

that stayed with me longer than sadness did.

my numbness had me gone feeling bliss as well.

now i cannot feel pain nor joy.

im a complete disaster.

of the ME that's seeing pretty small things and finding solid joy with it and literally crying over spilled milk.

i became the nightmare of my own dreams.

because of the mere wanting to become mature since everything had been childish to me.


i am now crying for reasons that i do not know.

this is me today.

i now cannot find reasons why i do because i always tend to forget painful things or feel if it did hurt at all.

ganon na ngaun. i cry, i ask why and the question remained still.

and it pains me more that seeing myself the same; and as much as i want to go back, i cannot. no matter how much i kill myself for it.

i hate explanations. period. but i am explaining right now because i think i'll go crazy if i dont.

TANGINA.

yun lang. gsto ko lang tlga magmura.

life's bitching me bigtime.

last february, i was making my death bilins because january was so perfect and i thought i was about to die for superb bliss i was having. before i knew it, i lose everything. not even my hands could try to catch them back to me
thats how unfair life had been kicking me.

not even my wildest nightmares. ATE. TANGINA TLGA.

i feel so sick of this everyday that i cannot look to people and taunt them 'sucks to be you' reason that MY LIFE SUCKS more than anyone knows.

im miserable. everyone that hates me can now laugh. shit you all.

i had been so dreamy all along, i forgot that not all dreams come possible.

not even expectations that you had since youve learned how to have them.


major thing that ran to me? [since exie days]
you can never change people the way you want them to.

fuck to that, i cannot even change what's happening to my life. because it wasnt me that could maneuver it.
and i cannot turn back time.

all i can is the possible power of accepting things and cry. worth while the tears are smiles.

but when can i look at the mirror with the same girl i had few months ago wearing a real smile, when she cannot feel happiness and pain of the numb girl staring back at her?

im sorry jihan. emo na ko ulet eh.